Monday, July 16, 2012

Best of Times, Worst of Times

About two months ago I had lunch with an expectant mom who'd confirmed via amnio that her little one had an extra chromosome.  I don't wish to violate her privacy but I think I can share in true narcissistic blogger fashion how very, very odd that conversation was for me.  I had this sensation of looking at my life through a shop window and judging.  Did I seem happy?  Anxious?  Frazzled?  She had this URL so I went back thru my posts to make sure I hadn't been in a blue streak.  I evaluated the cuteness level of my kids' photos (extra adorable, as usual).  I suddenly felt this great weight of representing The Future and couldn't decide how to condense our entire lives into one hour over salads.

At the time I was also driving around with a big piece of poster board in my truck because I'd fully intended to waive my no-self portraits rule for this project.  But I could not think of a single damn thing to say.  Every empty platitude I'd ever heard crowded my head and mocked me.  Special kids for special parents?  Welcome to Holland?  Iraq?  Sub-Saharan African?  It'll be fine?  No one should ever ever say this to a new parent.  My first son was stillborn at 37 weeks because of a freak cord accident.  My daughter was given an extra chromosome and a wonky heart.  You cannot make that promise.
Recognizing my dark tendencies, what I really wanted to do was direct that new mom over to some Happy Pretty Blogs where there is no fretting about anesthesia for my 3 year old's 4th surgery (even if 3 were "minor") or struggling to get 40 hours in at work when the day care keeps calling because I fed my child too much fruit.  I ended up chatting about how cute my girl was, how much she loved her dogs and her brother, I downplayed some of my concerns ("we're doing a little private speech therapy on the side"), and I said that parenting any child can be hard.

Though facile, I really do believe that.  My son had endless screaming colic for 9 months straight, shellacked his entire room once with Desitin, had his forehead stitched up, and his hand superglued back together.  My daughter needed to be fed 16 hours a day for the first three months of her life because we were too stubborn to rely on the feeding tube (because we'd read something about palate formation in kids with Ds), she recently doused the living room in syrup, and she had stitches in her forehead, in almost the exact same spot as her brother.  And after they fixed her heart, they superglued her chest back together.
Yes, I know our front door needs to painted. 
Money's always an issue but that's because we didn't cut fast or hard enough when we went from DINKs (double income, no kids) to TKO (two kids, one income), and Matt's fledgling work from home gig selling large expensive industrial things coincided perfectly with the economy crashing.  The medical bills, therapy, & life insurance don't help though.  Really don't help.  But I don't like mentioning it because I don't want anyone to think my little girl brought me to the hand wringing, hair pulling state I was in over recent car repairs.  Not when there are trolls out there who believe she's a burden on society.
I wonder what a random person would see reading this.  A "typical" family's jumbled roller coaster of good days, birthday cakes, & vomiting flu?  Or "OMG - Train Wreck!  (same breath) do you know about their daughter...?"  I wonder what my family thinks?

There is so much joy and love.  So many snuggles, movie nights, and giggles.  Such a long list of favorite games, bedtime stories, and songs.  I like to post pictures from the park and birthday parties but I'll admit I use this space to vent.  If the latter has taken up too much space here, then the failure is mine.  These are the very best days. 

11 comments:

  1. Ooo, I love this thoughtful post. I love the fact that you're not feeling the need to adhere to the "Down syndrome--so sweet!" stereotype, and certainly not the "special kids for special parents" stereotype.

    My friends with typical kids continually remind me--and demonstrate through their own venting--that being a parent is just fucking hard. And also an unbelievable delight. Often in the same hour. They're having the same financial challenges, some very similar medical challenges, school challenges, etc, etc, etc. Parents of typical kids are allowed to vent without anybody thinking, "God, they shouldn't have had that child. Why didn't they get testing?" Parents of kids with disabilities are navigating a terrain laden with stereotypes that we have to watch out for.

    Okay, I'm going to stop commenting before this becomes "comment that should have been a separate blog post, thank you very much."

    REALLY looking forward to seeing you in a few days!

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    1. Very often in the same hour! Occasionally within the same minute.
      Two more days till DC!

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  2. Interesting thoughts. From an outsider's bluntly honest perspective I will say that often I read your posts and in my heart of hearts am...a little jealous. Y'all seem to have so much fun, you TRAVEL, and you are just such a badass; it's obvious that there's a lot of love in your household. Which isn't to say that there's not in mine, too, or that if the two of us could trade lives on a trial (haha, TRIAL, seewhatididthere) basis I wouldn't snatch mine back in a hypothetical instant, just that no, in MY opinion you aren't overly dark, or complain-y, or anything like that. Funnily enough I was recently roasted on one of those hate sites as an implausibly misfortune-prone trainwreck blogger, and despite my odd moan about things I like to think I try and put a positive spin on things. Haters gonna hate, I guess, is the moral of the story. Write what you want, and those who matter won't think any less of you over it.

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    1. "Badass"?!? Totally undeserved but I'll take it. And since I'm such a badass I want to go kick some hate site butt. Emailing you now...

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  3. Kudos for doing the lunch chat... reminds me that I could use a nice breakfast soon... Let's book for August!

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  4. Great post and stunning photos of baby girl! I would have no idea how to have a lunch with a perspective parent. I could show up with Ellie and while they may be wowed by her cuteness, they may run screaming in fear once they see her escaping the highchair to standing on top of the table in two seconds flat (all while shoveling the future new parent's food into her mouth as though I starve her on a daily basis). I was never the parent with the prenatal diagnosis so I have no idea your lunch date's thoughts & feelings, but early in Ellie's life, I did met with a mom and her little 3yo with Ds. While she gave me information on the local Ds society and a few little snippets of info on ECI, she spoke mainly about being a parent in general. Plus, I got to see S frolic around the indoor playscape--trying to climb like other children, trying to eat snacks like other children, and well, just being a child in general.

    Anyway, I enjoy your blog. You keep it honest. It isn't all sugar coated as in "my life is so full of pretty little rainbows and perfection" gag!, but you rather write about the good, the yucky, and the crazy. I read your blog because of that. That and because of your wicked sense of humor.

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    1. We are definitely short of rainbows & perfect! And I heart you too.

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  5. Love, love that sweet gal's photos man! Wonderful! Oh and your thoughts too,btw :)
    See you soon!

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  6. I haven't read anything here yet, but I wanted to stop by and thank you for delurking and stopping by to say hi to Munchkin and me. Your daughter is GORGEOUS. I am smitten already! Looking forward to reading along!

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